Last night I was talking with a couple during a private cooking lesson, which is always interesting for me. I love to hear about how couples cook together (if they cook together), and how they make that work. Does one person always cook? Do they always cook together? Do they eat out for every meal? I like to know how food plays a role in their relationship.
As we were talking, we discussed an issue that inevitably comes up in any relationship in which the couple lives together, especially when cooking is seen as a burden that must be done. (Note: I really wish cooking weren’t seen as a “burden” to anyone, but I know it is. Cooking should be fun!) The “responsibility” of cooking is usually seen as two separate functions: cooking and clean-up. In this particular relationship, because of timing when each person was able to leave work and start cooking, the guy prepares most meals, because he can leave work about an hour and a half before she can. However, he is somewhat limited in what he can cook because she does all the cleaning, and he’d get into big trouble with her if he made a huge mess that she had to clean up. So, in this particular relationship, the delegation of labor is that he cooks, and she cleans.
I’ve talked to many a couple about how they divide the tasks within their relationship, and I’ve found many different solutions employed. Among the couples who I would judge as being obviously happy in their relationship, the solutions that seem to work are: 1) Whoever cooks doesn’t clean; 2) One person (usually the more adept cook) cooks every meal, while the other cleans; 3) Cooking and cleaning are a joint task and both people cook and clean together. I’ve found that #1 has become more of a norm, and I think it’s a good way to establish some balance when both people view these as chores. I find a lot of #2 out there as well, and that really seems to work, especially when the person who does the cleaning hates cooking with a passion and is so thankful that they’ve found someone who will do the cooking that they’re willing to do anything as long as it’s not cooking. I find #3 the least, and that’s really sad to me, because I honestly believe that cooking (and, of course, the necessary cleaning the follows) together is fantastic quality time that can be spent together in a relationship. What I find most often discourages couples from cooking together is that one person either thinks he or she is, or, in fact is a better cook than the other person and either tries to give instruction, insists on particular ways of doing things, or constantly criticizes the other person to the point that it’s no longer a source of enjoyment between two equals, but a time when one person feels subordinate to the other: This is not what cooking together should be! You must love the other person and accept their flaws, even if that means you have to bite your tongue in the kitchen. If not being able to boss your significant other around the kitchen becomes a problem for you because you really feel that he or she is doing something wrong, suggest a cooking class as a fun activity – not as something you want to do because you think the other person needs it, but because it’s something YOU want to do and you think it would be fun. Hopefully, the instructor will help say the things you haven’t been saying.
One person doing all the cooking and cleaning usually is a red flag to me that something is wrong, because I’ve found that those couples are usually the least happy couples. Of course, that’s a generalization and there are exceptions to the rule. For instance, I do all the cooking and all the cleaning on a fairly regular basis for women I’m dating (though, I haven’t lived with any of them), and they rarely want to cook for me because of paralyzing fear that I’m going to silently judge them. Another example is that in some relationships, couples divide up labor more broadly, such that one person does some or all household jobs, while the other does either other household jobs or simply brings home a paycheck as his or her contribution. (One of my favorite couples, who are both amazing people and quite happy together, have jobs which are labeled “boy job” or “girl job”. Cooking, I believe, is a “girl job” in that household.) That can work out as well. However, in general, when I talk to couples where one person does all the cooking and all the cleaning on a regular basis, there is usually tension within the relationship, and the cooking & cleaning situation is clearly a contributing factor.
How do you divide up cooking and cleaning in your relationship?
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I do all the cooking AND the cleaning. When we first moved in together, I tried making him clean up after, but his argument was quite logical. “You enjoy cooking, I don’t enjoy cleaning up. I appreciate you cooking, but I’d be fine with frozen pizza. You don’t have to cook. If you want to, great, but I don’t want to be burdened with your mess. I don’t ask you to help clean up trimmings after I trim the trees, do I?” And you know, when we’re not nagging each other to help each other out, we’re much more likely to pitch in anyway, just because the other one DIDN’T ask.
I love this post Dan!
Some good thoughts for all couples to ponder …
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